


forever searching high and low

by ShipperificWings



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Angst, Can be read as sort of soulmate au, F/M, Heed the tags for there's angst ahead, I blame the books for this feelings, Rebirth, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 01:24:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11265063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipperificWings/pseuds/ShipperificWings
Summary: The paths were bloody and death-ravaged and every time her steps faltered, Brienne touched her thorn cheek and thought of the boy and man she’d left behind, of warm eyes that begged her to end it all and the innocent boy that had recognized her as a knight.





	forever searching high and low

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote tragedy. I’m sorry. Also songfic, who’d have thought? 
> 
> WARNINGS: major character death on the first part & some graphic descriptions of violence, depression for the second part.

 

_I am forever searching high and low_

_But why does everybody tell me no_

_Neptune of the seas_

_Have you an answer for me please_

 

The paths were bloody and death ravaged and every time her steps faltered, Brienne touched her thorn cheek and thought of the boy and man she’d left behind, of warm eyes that begged her to end it all and the innocent boy that had recognized her as a knight.

 

The boy had served Tyrion and ran away and all it lead him to was into the wrathful path of a revenant and fire and _so much death_ and she couldn’t help to find a link between the two of them- serving Lannisters had led them to The Stranger’s path and there was nothing she could do about that but choose the sword.It was how Jaime had warned her once and she’d foolishly, blindly gone into the path of destruction and dragged innocents with her.

 

So many vows and she had finally accepted, learned that she was a failure from the very moment she was planted on her father’s belly.

 

She’d never had children on her own. She’d never make a name of her own. Hers was the path of The Stranger but it hadn’t have to be _them._

 

She’d slay the revenant, let the twisted thing dissolve into the fire it loved so much and let Gendry kill her afterwards. She wouldn’t mind seeing blue eyes so unlike her own before she fell and she’d knew Jaime wouldn’t bring himself to finish it all.

 

A horrendous, murderous false friend. That’s what lady Catelyn would call her, if she knew what she was thinking of.

 

But she couldn’t. Jaime was dear to her. Had been kind to her, his green eyes had glinted with passion when he’d given her Oathkeeper and she’d knew by then it was different from what she’d _glimpsed_ into ser Hyle or King Renly’s eyes.

 

Whatever it was, she’d never find out now- she’d make sure to die soon after taking Stoneheart with her.

 

Yes, she wouldn’t slay Jaime. He was _something_ to her, her soul called to him and Seven help her, she would throw herself against a cliff if that kept him alive.

 

When she had reached the Brotherhood it’d been too late. It was a mess of men, women and children’s remains and she’d felt _empty_ as she dug holes and buried them –Gendry, was missing and many of the children too but some of them remained.

 

It was a horrific thing, Lady Catelyn that had loved her children so much, undead, destroying everything at her wake and leaving the broken bodies behind. She’d rose to be the things she had loathed in life.

 

Hanging off were Hyle and Pod, their remains paraded as puppets that had been destroyed by and she’d felt the desire to scream and burn everything with her, cleanse the godforsaken earth that lovingly cradled their corpses. Jaime rapidly assessed the situation and nodded in understanding.

 

She knew what that meant. It meant ‘let’s do this’. He too had found blood and madness and delved into the worst of humanity. But Aerys had been ill, abusive and scary, and Catelyn was no more but a corpse, meat and wrathfulness held together thinly by darkness.

 

So she had buried them.

 

Brienne had to stop praying every once in a while and, once the last body was buried, she had stopped to wretch somewhere along the way, the vile burned her throat and she cried out as she found herself on her knees.

 

“ _Stupid wench._ ” it was ser Jaime snarling at her.

 

He too had found blood and madness and delved into the worst of humanity. But Aerys had been ill, abusive and scary, and Catelyn was no more but a corpse, meat and wrathfulness held together thinly by darkness.

 

She suddenly became conscious of a sharp pain stabbing through her belly and she glanced at it surprised to find blood.

 

It was surprising she could still bleed…it _hurt_ , it was a fatal wound (as fatal as her flaws, she reminded herself) but she didn’t felt like it hurt worse than the other pain she felt. The numbness had taken all away.

 

A sob escaped her throat once again, and her wobbling knees finally gave in. She fell ungracefully among the ashes, dirty and blood and wept freely. The only thing she could do was place her arms around herself and tear at her own arms. _The pain had to stop somehow._

But it was useless. She’d failed, everybody was dead, Lady Catelyn, the girls, Pod, ser Hyle…she had left them to die just like she had done before with Renly. Her father most likely was also dead

 

“Are you planning to get acquainted with the Stranger?” He tore her arms from her body effectively making her draw blood from herself.

 

“Are you so craven, my lady? Is a few people dying all it takes for you to crumble? You’re pathetic if this is enough to destroy you.” He had his left hand clasped firmly on her arm, his words were the steel she remembered but his hands were so very gentle.

 

She said nothing, she just crumpled in on herself and drifted away, she had finally gone away inside as Jaime had advised once.

 

A voice, a very gentle voice that claim her as theirs was saying something…but she was so far away she could hardly hear it anymore.

 

“Gods Brienne, you’ve to come back to me.”

 

_I want to, very much, but the light is pushing harder_

 

_The sound persisted. It resonated through her being –the real one, not the corporeal one- and she’d started to care for how it._

_It sounded lost and like it needed her._

_Why, she wondered, why would such tortured, pain soul look for her?_

_But the veil was closed and she wasn’t ready to join it._

_»_ _Wait for me, she thought as she drifted away to the void._

_It consumed her._

_Sometime not so far, it pushed through the veil finally._

_It pushes through it and found her.._

 

_._

She wished he could know what she was saying.

 

II- **NOW**

_They were having dinner on a fancy restaurant, candlelight lit and all, and Brienne was still throwing him questioning glances._

_He’d done his best to keep himself aloof but the truth was plainly there for whoever wished to see: it was in the way his fingers hovered across the table, the way he’d stare at her eyes and rake his hand through his hair wishing he could instead rake it through hers-_

_“It’s been a long time, Jaime.” She had said, meaning the last time that they had done little talking._ He’d been too preoccupied being angry at her aloofness when she held his heart on her hands unknowingly. He’d pushed and pushed until she’d finally cave in and things had ended up –unsurprisingly for the both of the,- with heated promises and equally heated caresses.

_“It certainly has been a long time.” He said all Lannister etiquette at odds with his sharp tongue._

_“Just say it,” she snarled directly at him. She was as bad at sweet talking as he was._

_“I love you.” He blurted out hopelessly._

_She turned a delightful shade of red and glared at him stubbornly._

_Stupid wench, always pretending she doesn’t care._

_That made him still._

_And glimpses came rushing through her. Incoherent stuff he’d dream of sometimes. He’d heard it happened when your subconscious was trying to tell you something important._

_“I-”she took a deep breath and looked at the damn napkin and the bread the waitress had placed on the table._

_“You’ve never been very good at talking, my lady.”_

 

 _"That's always been more of your thing."_ she'd meant to chastise him, but the scowl she had on her face transformed on shock as her blue eyes -somewhat clearer this time, but Tarth blue regardless of her Targaryen blood- recognized his own bottle green ones and the usual sparks she felt whenever she saw him made sense suddenly.

 

The restaurant transformed, somehow it became a road filled with blood were a pair of strong arms held her through her last days.

 

 _"You have to come back to me-"_ said his voice and she bled and the waves drifted her apart.

 

After that her soul had been forever searching, high and low for him. Reaching for him, begging to finally found him and there he was.

 

She grasped his hands on hers. His eyes searched her -for he was at loss at the war raging on her head- and she took him home.

 

He didn't protest, only nodded and went quietly with her. It was what they always did. Theirs was the language of silence and touch. 

 

_Theirs was a story to transform into ballads._

 

_It all made sense now._

 

_His hands on her held promises she’d finally be able to follow to heart._

_They left, food untouched they made sure to take home for later and ran on a frenzy state of mind to get a cab._

 

_*_

_“I missed you so much” she whispered against his skin. She meant both her Jaime and the one on the flashbacks…she kissed a birthmark only her Jaime had, on the clavicle and that childhood scar he had on his forehead-mostly invisible yet Brienne had known him since forever- and she’d kissed her way down his body enjoying the hitching of his breath as she descended slowly, torturously to his navel, dragged her teeth very lightly above his golden skin and licked the rest of the trail to glory. By the time she took him in hand, he’d been begging and Brienne had stopped to admire the well-toned muscles and skin and the scars alike. Her whole body was on fire and Jaime, always eager to let her explore at her own time, left her wander only rubbing his knuckles lovingly against her scarred cheeks.They’d fought battles here too. Bloodless and nasty alike._

_“Sweetling, look at me,” she’d pleaded at him sweetly, it had been unusual and surprising for her at first but she didn’t mind anymore, this way they had to talk to each other without words._ She’d come to embrace this way they had to love physically. She’d been reluctant at first as he’d pleaded for her to just let herself go and once, broken and desperate to feel she'd allowed him finally what they both wanted but he'd surprised her by just cuddling next to her, arms firmly placed where it was acceptable and lips caressing her forehead tenderly.

 

 _"We'll only sleep," he'd firmly announced to her, his body hugging her yet maintaining a respectful distance._ And at some point between mourning and losing everything they'd found each other and finally-when she had insisted she did wanted him- they'd lay lmbs tangled and hearts beating fast. It had started rather desperate and lonely and messy , but they had always loved each other underneath it all, and perhaps that's why it was different now.

_Now it was him saying_ _“Brienne” over and over again as she sank lower and kissed and caressed him thoroughly, his green eyes watched her avidly and she locked her eyes on him for the longest time. It was miracle, she thought, a miracle to have him on her arms, trusting her with his soul once again. He made a strangled sound and she complied and moved away from him._

_“You’re so beautiful,” she whispered on his ear, the dim light shone and the rain fell as she let him gather her into his arms, “I want to see you like this every day” she said rather breathlessly._

_He flipped them over with his good arm, his forehead rested on hers as green eyes locked up on blue once again._

 

_Admist it all, his tongue was still sharp as a sword. He tried to huff at her words but he was melting into her touch just as much as she was enjoying his weight on her._

_“You better keep your word in the morning.”_

 

_What he started was torture. Sweet, heavenly torture._

_His lips found her pulse point and sucked and nibbled there, effectively marking her the way she enjoyed so much. He’d next caress her breasts –aching for his mouth and fingers ever since they’ve undressed-and he smiled smugly when she moaned loudly after having his mouth there and his fingers teasing her at her core._

_“You’re ready for me. I like that.”_

_She would normally ask him to be quiet but she was enjoying their role reversal far too much. She did however voiced her desire._

 

_"I'm always ready for you." She said staring at him, finally embracing her feelings as his. Her lips were quivering and so were her arms and legs, she was for a moment, shaking like it was the first time, her nerves frayed at the feel of skin on skin and the closeness it all entitled._

 

 _"Seven hells Brienne, you're going to kill me with those words. You-_ " his voice was trembling-he was shaking too, so he hugged her tighter, before realesing him. He knew she wasn't a fan of hugs, that it usually made her feel a captive.

 

She firmly put his arms back where they were. No more flinching at his touch. They were here on their free will, no one was making the other stay forcefully. It was all about the present time.

 

_He responded by moving his finger on her core tracing the skin with an achingly soft pace._

_“Never again scare me like that.”_

_If he meant the faraway past or the future none of them knew._

_“Never again.”_ She promised, meaning full well the risk it entitled. But this time this oath would be her priority.

_The achingly long pace transformed into a fast, hard pace she enjoyed more and he smiled like she was his whole world and as he entered her, she thought of how long he’d been her world. How they had built their own piece of world, one in their pockets, where they were simply them. She wrapped herself against him, nails raking not ungentle through his back, hands touching bursting skin, eyes never leaving the others eye. They’d rocked fast against the waves, this time coming back unscathed. She came undone and not very long after so did he. He rested his head against hers._

**Author's Note:**

>  _I lie in wait with open eyes_  
>  I carry on through stormy skies  
> I follow every course  
> My kingdom for a horse  
> But each time I grow old  
> Serpent of the Nile  
> Relieve me for a while  
> And cast me from your spell and let me go
> 
>  
> 
> _Messenger from Seven Seas has flown_  
>  To tell the King of Rhye he's lost his throne  
> Wars will never cease  
> Is there time enough for peace  
> But the lily of the valley doesn't know


End file.
